A new friend of mine told me that I should get back into writing because I need to continue to work on my ability. I also realized that by me not sharing what I am going through, others can not learn from my mistakes, my incite, or what God is sharing with me. So I am hoping that this is not too rough, it is a bit personal, but I am not exactly a closed book.
My trip home to Cleveland was a huge help because I had a lot of time to think and pray (26 hours total after delays), and I was able to get perspective on work and school mainly. It looks like things are coming together with employment, even though I am not sure that I know where I will end up living in the next month. As for school, I may take a few weeks off and go back part time to get my counseling degree. So that was a few of the major concerns that I was able to have peace about, which leaves one big one.
I looked back on my life and I noticed a consistent relational pattern in my life. I found that in general I have a hard time finding people close to me who speak into my life positively. Whether it is friends, girlfriends, church leaders, or coworkers, I have a tendency to attract people who are negative or have unreal expectations. I have pretty healthy self-esteem, and I have always been comfortable with who I am, but it is never fun when you realize the person that you are associating with (friend, significant other, family, etc) takes you for granted, is careless with your feelings, or criticizes you when you are trying your best. In turn, when I am around this too much, it makes it harder for me to be positive. Thats why I took a break from writing, thats why I took a break from a lot of people: I did not want to spread that negativity.
I have learned that I can not control them or change them, but as an adult I can choose how much I am with them or how much they speak into my life. I can also tell someone when they are being rude, when they have unrealistic expectations, when I need a break from them, so on and so forth.
At certain stages of our lives, we can not control when we see someone or how much we see them, because you can not avoid classmates, coworkers, or sometimes family. What I have learned through my life is that I have to forgive them, and try be honest with them about what they did to me. The truth is that most hurting people do not know what they do, they just do it almost like a habit. They more than likely do not remember what they do, nor do they care, but you are the one left with damage. I can not change their actions, but I can make an effort to take the baggage that they placed in my trunk, and leave it behind so that it does not weigh me down. I also hope and pray that they heal, because they need it.
So I think the bottom line that I am trying to say is that when we think about Matthew 12:24 (from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks), are we allowing life-giving people into our lives rather than negative life-taking people? I know that we can not avoid all negative people, but we must be careful to have people who will love us and have realistic standards. If we do not, then we will become exhausted.
That is where I was, because I wanted to pick up and start school again, I wanted to get a job using my degree, I wanted to be in ministry again, I wanted to be around friends more, and I wanted to date again, but I realized that I was still exhausted from previous situations and I was trying to run at full speed while my body was beat up still. My heart was tired, and my words came out tired. I tend to do that, and I am doing my best to avoid that.
The good thing is that I figured out that I was dealing with hurting people hurting people. With that in mind, I am able to move forward and know that I am doing my best and I am overcoming my troubles, and not take ownership of their problems. It stinks sometimes, but it helps me and I hope it helps those going through the same thing that I am.
So when we think of the impact this has on our heart, I would like to challenge you today to do four things:
1. Be mindful of what people close to you are giving you. It can take years sometimes to undo what people do to you, if it can be avoided- avoid it.
2. Be willing to make the change need be, and don't let someone take your joy. This is one thing that the devil wants to take from us, so protect it fiercely.
3. Rest if you need to. Do not wear yourself out if you are tired... but remember that you need to eventually get back in the game because you are needed out there.
4. Get healing if you need to. If you have a broken leg, it won't fix itself and it will make things worse. Broken people have a higher risk of breaking others... as Christians we must be careful with each others hearts and avoid breaking others.
Thank you again for your patience with me, and I am glad to be back!
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