Do Numbers Mean Everything?

One of the main things that bugs me about this new blog set up is that whenever I sign in, it tells me how many times my blog is viewed. In all honesty, I really don’t care about the numbers, because all they make me do is become self-conscious. I generally take that approach to anything in life, whether it is my blog, my life groups, or other ministries I have been involved with. To me it has always been about quality rather than quantity.*** A few years back, I was working with a man in ministry who talked with me about one of my friend’s life groups. I told him that there is definite growth, and that numbers should not be a direct indicator. His response was numbers is indicative of his ability to be a leader, and that if it was not growing, than someone else should run the group. I felt that it was not fair, but the good thing was that the numbers picked up and the group kept going.*** The thing that I always think about with the idea of numbers is, “what if Jesus took that same approach?” If you read quite a few of his stories, his lessons were life giving (John 6:68) but hard to take sometime. For instance, John 6:66 reads, “From this time many of his disciples turned their back and no longer followed him.” This was because the crowd had a hard time with the truth of his message. I would hope that he would have continued to do his father’s will, but if he thought like some number-driven church leaders, he would have either changed his focus to bring more people into the synagogues or he would have said that his ministry was not worth his time because there were not enough people. Any which way, life would be a lot different for a lot of people (understatement of the year).*** Also, what if we looked at Jesus the way we look at our blogs or life groups? Both his peers and his family rejected Jesus as Messiah, his family actually claimed that he was out of his mind (Mark 3:21). Does that ruin his relevancy? A lot of disciples left Jesus because he spoke the truth that was hard, but many people grew because of it. That being said, He should definitely not be thrown out because people disavowed him back then.*** Also, what if we looked at the Western church the same way. Numbers are dwindling in most western societies… does that mean that Christianity on a whole is relevant? It irked me one time when I had a customer tell me that the church is no longer relevant and that it is dying since numbers are decreasing. I told her that I wish that people would know about the movements in Africa and Asia, where Christianity is growing constantly. That is why we can’t call Christianity irrelevant, it is growing in places that most people would not think of… and it is changing their societies. Over here, the church may not be growing quickly, but from my own experience, I know that we are still able to make a difference in people’s lives.*** So my question today is, “why do we do ministry?” Are we in it for the numbers or are we in it to be Christ-like towards other people? Sometimes we will be in front of the masses, other times it will be a small number. But when it is a small group, will we quit because we feel that the small numbers make us feel irrelevant? My hope is that instead of seeing the small venue as a failure to be on the big stage, that you would be able to see it as an opportunity to intimately change people.*** That is the way I try to use every small opportunity that God gives me. There are times where I have felt the pressure to stop because it seemed that nobody cared, but it is not about me or about my ego or about my resume. It is about loving God and loving others. Whether it is a packed sanctuary or a living room, I have to remember that the message I give may be one that changes someone’s life.

Winning the Battle of Exhaustion

Sometimes it is really nice to get away. I did that this weekend when I spent time with a married couple/good friends that I have not seen in a year. As I was talking to them over lunch one day, one of them told me that she thought it was awesome that I am doing so much. She said that most people really don’t do a whole lot.** I had to laugh. Yes, I am doing a lot, but at times I wish I were doing less and being able to live efficiently. There is a point in time when you try to do too much and you feel wiped out all the time. I realized that’s what was happening to me. I was in a negative ministry setting, I was reading between 200-400 pages of homework a week, trying to maintain friendships, and I was working a thankless job where I felt emotionally beat up a lot of times. I became exhausted.** I know that I am not the only one, there are many others out there that do this. The sad thing is, that this mentality can be glorified and encouraged sometimes when it really needs to be dialed down. When someone has boundaries about how much they do, it can be painted as selfish or anti-social.** This is why a balance needs to be struck, it is healthy and needed. I find that when I am feeling drained, I become more frustrated with negativity, I don’t think clearly or communicate well at all, I tend to become curt towards people to avoid saying damaging words, and most experiences with people leave me feeling depleted. This is unacceptable for me as a Christian leader, and that is why I generally try to have good boundaries with my commitments.** This revelation of my struggle with exhaustion dawned on me in church. The pastor was talking about James 3:1, and how teachers are judged more strictly. This is not just verbal, but teachers also teach by example. It hit home to me that the example that I live may not be a good one, because I spent way too much time feeling depleted. It is not a lifestyle I advocate, but I was unfortunately living it.** So what I thought about was how we as Christian leaders need to set the tone for good boundaries. We need to realize that wearing yourself out is not something that needs to be glorified, instead it needs to be discouraged. We need to let others know that they should never do more than they are capable of, but we have to live it as well.** I do have to say, that it feels nice to be able to turn down the noise in my life and get away. Having ADHD, my mind is a beehive of activity and I learned that I need to find ways to be at peace. This is not just reserved for vacations, but it can happen by being able set aside time for yourself every day and to be able to just be quiet. It can happen by knowing when to turn the TV, computer, Radio or phone off. It can happen by being smart with your money and getting released from the bondage of debt that hovers over you. It can happen by taking a semester off of school to save money and to pursue something that you are passionate about.** There are many ways to go about this, but I would encourage you to be able to find a way to seek rest in life. I am still finding ways to go about this, but for starters I am going to be working on my counseling degree at a slower pace. I am going to find a job/ministry that utilizes my strengths. I am going to seek out life-giving ministries and friendships in my new home. I am going to try to eat better and sleep earlier. These are just some ideas, and I hope that I will be able to hear some success stories from you as I seek to become a success story as well!

Letting Go of Labels

These past few weeks at my new/old church have been really amazing. I find that the messages have been dead on and I feel as if they are tailor made for my life circumstances. In a two-day period, I had two people pray over me and both mentioned that a break through was bound to happen in my life. This past week the pastor spoke about how we need to let go of the labels that people give us and replace them with the labels that God has for us. The pastor was referencing how Jesus gave Simon the name Peter because he saw him as the rock of his church (Matthew 16:18). It took Peter years before he grew into the title, but he eventually did. I frequently feel like Peter because I have felt the same way, in that I have been given a title or label that I have not grown into. I won’t say them on here to avoid sounding arrogant, but if you talk to me about what others have shared with me, I will be willing to share them with you! Over the course of my life, I have acquired so many labels it is not funny. Most of them were lies, but when you hear them enough it is enough to haunt you. As a side note, this is why I am very careful about what I say when I am mad at people or giving correction, because I want them to know that I love them and that the correction is to see them succeed. Anyway, one of the labels that has always haunted me is the label of “inadequate.” Growing up with a learning disorder and struggling with speech did not make growing up easy, and it was hard to silence critics. Add in teachers, coaches, and others that were competitive and perfectionists, I never felt like I added up and became my own worst critic. I felt I had a lot of talent, but since it was not perfect it did not matter. This bothered me until I was in college. It seemed that every time I found something I was good at, such as theology, someone close to me would discourage me from that path or tell me that I am not good. I was told to stick to writing since it covered my weakness of talking. I had long grown out of my problem and had fun with public speaking, but I was still told that I was inadequate So what happened was I graduated undergrad with a degree but I had no hope. I eventually figured out that I was called to the ministry and moved on to that goal. I endured my time on active duty, because honestly, it was criticism after criticism. Compliments were few and far between, but I knew in my heart I was doing okay. When I got to seminary, it was overwhelming at first but I realized that I was pretty good at it. It stretched me, but I felt competent and capable. After graduation though, that’s when the rejection letters came. Whether it was not having enough experience for an “entry level pastor” position or just not being what they were looking for, they made it clear that I did not meet their standards. That coupled with some errant comments from a pastor and a friend about my abilities, I was pretty much defeated. I realized that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I still managed to work as hard as I could to do something in the ministry, because I felt that is where I belonged. It has been an exhausting process, but something happened on Sunday that helped me turn the corner. It hit home to me that the label that I had been given is not the label God wanted me to have. I began to realize that this past week has been an awesome growing experience that is affirming my ability. In the past week, I have had a few job opportunities come up, an internship possibility come up, and a potential opportunity to counsel come up. None of these were on the radar a few weeks ago, and now they are strong possibilities. This serves as a reminder to me that God has faith in me, just for certain reasons unknown to me, these options were not on the table before. So it is safe to say that even though the “inadequate” label is still there, I can feel that it is peeling off. It will probably take some time, but as I begin to succeed with the smaller amount of talents (referencing Jesus’ parable), it will grow into success with the larger amount of talents. It is small steps at a time, and I am hoping to be faithful with the small talents that this next stage of life brings.

Being Where I Needed to Be

I have been meaning to write for a long time, and now I know why I could not. I have come to realize that I was in the middle of a season that I did not see through, and that I needed to write about the season at it’s conclusion. Without getting into many details, I had to take my 16 year-old cat to get put down on Monday. It was something that should have been done weeks ago, but we held on to hope for improvement that would probably not come. It was a tough decision, but at that point in his life, he was obviously suffering. It was a relief when it was over, and since then I have felt at peace. I understand now that the cat is symbolic of many parts of my life these past seven years. When I joined the Navy, absolutely nothing went right and I was miserable. I did not have a peace about it, and I felt like I was going through a gauntlet getting the snot kicked out of me. That’s the way I felt for three years, even though I was able to see silver lining. As I went through seminary, I had a lot of trials, but I felt a peace about them as I went through them. With the exception of a weird situation with church leadership at one of the churches I attended, my time in seminary was fairly peaceful. After graduation, there was a point in time when things just fell apart. I am not sure when it was, but months of trouble broke me on New Years Day. I realized that I had lost friends, ministry became draining, and negativity was suffocated me. I lost a desire to do anything and was hanging on to hope that a few jobs at Regent that I was told to wait for would pull through. They never did. My frustration was so bad that I almost resigned from leadership at my church and wanted to avoid ministry indefinitely, that’s how exasperated I felt. None of this is indicative of my faith or my relationship with God. What I had realized is that God was directing me else where, even though I did not know where I was going. So I waited. In the meantime, nothing happened and I noticed that things were deteriorating. Over time, I began to see options opening up for me back in Ohio. So I moved back, and even though life is not working out like I planned, I feel a sense of peace in that things will happen. We have seen spirals like this before. When David did not go to war with his armies, he stayed in the wrong place. When he stayed in the wrong place, he committed adultery. Adultery led to lies, which led to death, which led to denial, which led to suffering, which led to the death of his child, which led to more suffering. The problem was that he was not where he was supposed to be. In the end, Solomon was born from the same woman. So there was something positive that came about, but the negatives outweigh the positives. In the end, I realized that there were too many things that I was holding onto hoping for improvement. Instead of moving on with my hunch, things got worse and more destructive. I needed to realize that sometimes things are meant to die so that life can come to other areas. When a tree dies in the forest, other trees can grow. Life is the same way for us. I needed to move on so that I could pursue what God has in store for me. In conclusion, I am not upset about what has happened. I am recovering from some of the betrayal, divisiveness, and negativity, but I know that it can no longer hurt me. I just have to remember to be conscious of where God is. If he is directing me somewhere else, that means I need to go. Otherwise, his peace will not be present. I am confident that God has something great for me in this next stage, and I am excited to see what’s next.